Why do we lose our identity in a relationship?
Have you ever noticed that, after we become deeply involved with someone, we tend to forget we are individual beings and lose our identity in the relationship? Life just seems more enjoyable when it’s shared, when the laughs are echoed and the moments are profoundly lived while holding hands.
Falling in love is one of the best, though terrifying, feelings a person can have. Eddie Vedder once said he’s “a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love; some folks just have one, others they got none”.
To find a loved one seems like hitting the jackpot, so it’s nothing but normal to cling to our pot of gold. Why would we ever want to let our luck go? In a world that practically tells us that it’s impossible to be happy by ourselves, we are made to believe that finding a better-half is something that only happens to the lucky ones.
Thus, if being a couple is just a matter of luck, being single is sadly reserved for the ones forgotten by the cupid. Should one be so fortunate to join the couples-only table, it’s time to make an effort not to lose your membership. It no longer matters what you used to do before, who you were, because now it’s time to focus on nurturing the relationship — not to say pleasing the partner.
And that’s how we start to lose ourselves. First of all, the so-called “better-half” excludes the fact that you were the best part to start with. If the significant other is “the better”, inevitably you must be “the worse”. So, they aren’t lucky to be with you, it is YOU that got lucky enough to find them. I’m not even saying that this is how our partners truly feel, but that is what society makes us believe.
I don’t have numbers to share, but I have no doubt that this happens mostly with women. We grow up watching Disney’s princesses changing their lives completely just to find a handsome prince.
One of my childhood favourite characters was the Little Mermaid, Ariel, who turns to an evil witch that deceives her to give away her voice — which means to shut her mouth — as the price for getting a pair of legs. As a human, Ariel then leaves the kingdom at the bottom of the ocean to look for a man she barely knew. Her past life, full of adventures, seemed meaningless in the middle of this pursuit for the love of a prince.
Most of the princesses have a strong problem-solving personality and a deep sense of curiosity about life. True and aspiring leaders, if they were encouraged to do so, instead of thinking that a relationship is the only path to fulfilment. If being a couple is the greatest accomplishment of all and it’s just for the lucky ones, it’s a matter of time until the bold princess forgets who she is and loses her identity in the relationship.
In real life, a relationship shouldn’t be a matter of luck, but a matter of sharing self-love. Each part should deeply understand that becoming a pair means to share a life but not to give it away. It all boils down to making a commitment to keeping the love we have for ourselves, doing things that build our self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
What I love about myself is what makes me who I am, is what holds my identity close to me, and it has nothing to do with being single or not. When we know how to love ourselves, the pot is already full of gold. We just have to remind ourselves of that, while in a relationship.
